Absolutely Positively... Practical Jokes

(album: Act Like You Know - 1991)

I play practical jokes, just to get a laugh (ha hah)
I put roaches in my neighbor's bubblebath
But anyway one day she called upon me
She said, "Lyte it's an emergency!"
My next door neighbor had an errand to run
I said, "Why Ms. Davis ask your son"
She said, "Ricky's at his grandmother's"
I said, "Well what about Tommy, the younger brother?"
She said, "See, umm, he's at the pharmacy"
I said, "He'll be back soon how much longer could it be?"
She said, "C'mon please, it's just a trip uptown
If you leave right now you'll be back before sundown
Hurry up, there's not a moment to spare
It absolutely positively has to get there"
Umm, I contemplated then I played a good Samaritan
I started the car, then she threw the package in

It absolutely positively has to get there
(Get there?)
It absolutely positively has to get there
(Well then send it Federal Express!)
It absolutely positively has to get there
(It gotta get there?)
It absolutely positively got to get there!
(Yo who you rushin?)

Pumpin out the music on the FDR
Not far behind me was a DT car
So I eased up selector, 55 the digit
But on the FDR, 40 is the limit
Here they come, sirens on
I could see myself in jail til the break of dawn
But they rolled right by it wasn't me they was after
A little red corvette, they was tryin to capture
Dread I feel sweat so I set down my jacket
Look up ahead, now that's what I call traffic
Dipped to an exit and I made my way through
Couldn't believe when I hit first avenue
on a Honda's ass, just about to crash
Looked at the gauge and the shit said NO GAS
Zero, nada, nothing in here see
In car terms the shit was on empty
Got out, and pushed the shit to the side
Hailed a cab, then I caught a quick ride
to the house of inflation, yes the gas station
Gave a little tip to show my appreciation
Got back to the ave where I left my car
It wasn't there, but it couldn't have gone far
Hot damn, I must have got towed
Tried to figure out how much money I owed
Went to the pound and I paid my debt
Think that was the worst? You ain't heard nuttin yet
Bumped into that crackhead Sam I used to see
And like always, hand out, give me money
In my tank was a dollar's worth of gas
I had to get an ? machine fast

It absolutely positively has to get there
(Get there?)
It absolutely positively got to get there
(What?)
It absolutely positively got to get there
(Well send it some way else)
It absolutely positively has to get there

As I left the bank to walk back to the BM
Couldn't believe what my eyes were seein
Looked at the back tire, it was flate
while the other three, were SO DAMN FAT
A brother walked by and offered his help
Ordinarily I woulda did the shit myself
But he, changed it quick, so I passed him a ten
Here I go on this journey again
Went to the gas station, to fill it up
when a crackhead from nowhere grabbed the pump
I said, "LOOK, I don't need your help today"
and I scared the motherfucker and he was on his way
Oops, a cat, SHIT, scrat!
Fur on my tires, and all that
What's this, a stroke of bad luck?
But at this point, I don't even give a fuck
I got to get the package to the destination
No matter what the confrontation
I arrive, bag in my hand
Lookin for a woman named Pam
She opened the bag it was wrapped tight and snug
But in that bag yo, in that bag
45, guess what? (What was it Lyte?)
It was a box of q-tips.. a box of fuckin q-tips man!!!
[laughter]