Troll Doll Celebrities

(album: The Bathroom Wall - 2002)

[Jimmy Fallon with a British accent]
Hello. Hello my name is Jimmy Fallon, and welcome to the auditions for Troll
Productions Inc. Remember, we're looking for a star or celebrity to sponsor our
new line of trolls dolls, in our new series of commercials. So thanks for coming.
Let's just start the auditions, uh, first up, Mr. John Travolta.

[Jimmy Fallon as John Travolta]
She's like, I swear to God, I mean I can't believe you guys are trying to sell
these things, right. I mean like, who does his hair? I mean like, his hair's so
frizzy. I mean like, you guys can probably get some, like, anti-friz shampoo or
something, right? I mean, I don't know how you guys expect to sell these things
looking so weird, right? [His laugh from Grease.] A-huh-huh.

[Jimmy Fallon with British accent]
Thank you, uh, next up, Cliff Calvin, the mailman from Cheers?

[Jimmy Fallon as Cliff Clavin]
Hey, thanks a lot to ya buddy. I was talking with Marty about these dolls.
Turns out, the uh, turns out the actual midget trolls were made in the 1300's,
by, uh, Indian chiefs looking for a story to keep their children occupied.
These trolls are nice, but i'd rather be having a beer with Normy back at the bar.

[Jimmy Fallon with British accent]
Thank you, Cliffy. Uh, next up, uh, comedian Jerry Seinfeld.

[Jimmy Fallon as Jerry Seinfeld]
Okay people, okay. Will ya look at these things? I mean, do you remember when
dolls used to have moving arms and legs? Am I right? He doesn't have any pants
on! What's the deal with that?! No pants! You get the doll. You don't get the
pants!

[Jimmy Fallon with British accent]
Thank you, uh, next up, actor Nicolas Cage.

[Jimmy Fallon as Nicolas Cage]
Who? What? Where?

[Jimmy Fallon with British accent]
That's all I got for that one actually. Next up, uh, comedian Robin Williams.

[Jimmy Fallon as Robin Williams]
Oh yes, troll dolls, yes. A beautiful thing, yes. It's a beautiful thing. Yes.
Looks like Don King on Viagra, yes. Yes, suddenly the guy's at home going,
"What the hell's going on there?", yes. Meanwhile, there's a kid at home going,
"Daddy, I want the Harry Potter doll!", yes. Meanwhile, the guy's at home
going, "I'm seeing the anti-Christ and it is a troll doll!", yes. Suddenly
Arnold Schwarzenegger's at home going, "Yah, I like to eat troll doll with my
English Muffin.", yes. Suddenly, Mr. Happy's coming out going, "Lewinski,
Lewinski!", yes. Thank you.

[Jimmy Fallon with British accent]
Uh, next up, next up, next up for the audtions, uh, Mr. Gilbert Gottfried.

[Jimmy Fallon as Gilbert Gottfried]
What is this? What kinda kid plays with something like this? They're so weird
looking! What kinda kid would play with something like this? I'd like to be the
voice of this. And that's not good.

[Jimmy Fallon with British accent]
Thank you. Last but not least, uh, Mr. Adam Sandler.

[Jimmy Fallon as Adam Sandler and his mother]
[Adam:] Alright, how ya doing? Alright, this is, uh, okay. This is, uh, this is
me, giving a troll doll to, to my mother, okay Here we go. Uh, uh, mom, I, uh.
Hi. I uh, I uh, I got you a troll. [Making baby sounds]
[Mother:] What did you say?
[Adam:] I said, I, uh, I said I got you a troll. [More baby sounds]
[Mother:] I can't hear you. What did you say to your poor mother? Speak up, please.
[Adam:] I said, I got you a troll.
[Mother:] I'm outta control? What are you saying?!
[Adam:] I wish you would just take the doll and, SHUT UP!

[Crowd cheers]

[Jimmy Fallon with British accent]
That's enough for the trolls. Thank you very much.

[Disc scratches the track out]