Suffocating

(专辑： Pain Paints Paintings - 2021)

I'm tired man...
Sometimes I just sit in my room and hold my breath
And let all the pressure and anxiety build up
And just let the time pass by

At first, I couldn't breathe
Now I'm suffocating
Maybe the pressure from the fame isn't worth what I'm chasing
I used to say God's playing, now the devil's on my team acting foul and it's all flagrant
Tryna push me off the path that I'm steady paving
Sin is the currency and every day I'm making payments
I don't wanna live in it but I heard a saying
"Good knows evil cause the houses are both adjacent"
I don't know if I should go for these goals
I've seen people gain the world but lose their souls
My anxiety is building as the weight of it grows
I succumb myself in privacy inside my home
And I barely answer calls and when I see my phone
I'm reminded that the real feeling of being alone is having millions who love you but can leave you or say that they hate you at the moment they don't fuck with a song
I used to laugh it off
Now I hold my breath and suffocate
Then I sit and wait just to see if I can kill the hate
And as I'm fleeting I see God at the heaven's gates
Then come back down to fight another day
Then I grab that same phone and smile and wave
And pour my empty heart into a song that they won't praise
They say patience is the key but they didn't tell me, while I wait I'll be locked inside a steel cage

Something's wrong, I feel claustrophobic
I'm stuck living in the past and not the moment
Or the future where my life is only more broken
Cause those wounds from the past are still open
I take sips of love and every single time it's poison I see
Women who can't see past my employment
Or see me as enjoyment so I can't enjoy it cause the ride's temporary and they leave once they crash and destroy it
I don't think this life is healthy, why didn't anybody tell me?
Everybody want help but nobody wanna help me
I'm an ATM, a therapist and everybody's friendly
And they hide their real intentions but my mind won't let me
If I make a sad song, don't ask me if I'm happy
Fuck a hook, my pain isn't catchy
If you relate, or worse feel badly, fucking pity me at least and check in if you at me
That's the only way I'll know who it touches
That's why I stay awake and answer DMs by the hundreds
So I don't lose myself and fill my stomach with the feeling that I'm here just to suffocate for nothing
If you know real pain then you see it when you look me in my eyes
I try to hide it but they do not lie
I wanna sleep but if I try, the demons who creep in my dreams will collide
So I stay up and I stare at the ceiling
And ask myself if I should even share these feelings
Then I hear a voice in the distance from a ghost-like image
Saying my pain could be somebody's healing

So I close my eyes and drift to the place that inspires these lyrics
And as I see flames and I scream, I pray it's a place you'll never have to visit